Bristol skipper Matt Salter has been there, done it and got the t-shirt. He wasted some precious minutes that would probably have been better spent doing something else to answer our Q and A…
Q. Which cartoon character would you most like to be?
A. Oh my god, these are random. I’d say Speedy Gonzalez because I’m pretty slow and need to be quicker.
Q. Which team-mate would you least like to fight?
A. David Blaney because he’s a pikey Irishman like that bloke out of Snatch. He’s probably done more than his fair share of backstage caravan fighting.
Q. What’s your favourite tour tale?
A. Let me think that’s tricky… [returns to question at end of interview]
Q. How many profiteroles could you eat in one sitting?
A. Ooh, give me a good ten. Not as many as Darren Compton though, he would probably have mine and everyone else’s – he’d have about 35…
Q. And donuts?
A. A small amount, say four.
Q. What’s the most memorable team-talk you’ve ever had?
A. It was the one before a game I wasn’t playing in – the one a few years ago against London Irish when we got relegated. It was very passionate but unfortunately it didn’t work for us. Some times things don’t work for you…
Q. Who thinks he’s the best player at the club?
A. Mark Regan. But then again, maybe he is, he’s playing for England after all.
Q. Who’s the worst-dressed player at the club?
A. Darren Compton, he’s got the scruffiest clothes. He’s so scruff that while a kitman’s only supposed to wash kit, Darren sneaks in his going out clothes. He wears shirts the size of tents – they have to be to fit him – he’s got tatty old jeans and he wears Crocs which are absolutely stinking. It’s ridiculous…
Q. What’s your best moment in rugby?
A. When I played rugby league it was playing in a Challenge Cup final [he played for London Broncos in a side that included Martin Offiah and Shaun Edwards], but in union it was when we were promoted from the first division.
Q. And the worst?
Getting relegated, that was bad. It was surreal too because the whole future of the club was up in the air and there was even talk of a merger with Bath. We also didn’t know if we were relegated because they hadn’t confirmed the promotion of the side from the first division. We didn’t know what was going on – we didn’t know if we were down or not; if the other players were going to stay; if our contracts still existed… It was a weird feeling. It’s pretty simple now, one-up, one-down.
Q. Do the ladies like a rugby player?
A. My wife does and some of the younger boys claim they do. Tom Arscott always gets attention, wherever we go he attracts the ladies. He’s got a girlfriend now though, so he’s tied down a bit more.
Q. If you could change on thing about rugby?
A. Less games in the season. I guess it’s all relative to the squad, if you’re Leicester or Gloucester and you’ve got 40 quality players and can rotate then it’s no problem – probably more the merrier. But when you’ve got a smaller squad it’s difficult. We had a few injuries in the Heineken Cup and we suffered, we couldn’t get the replacements quick enough.
Q. What’s the best practical joke you seen?
A. There was a good one the other day. The boys always nick Brian O’Riordan’s towel because he’s always neat and tidy so has a clean and fresh one all the time. Anyway, Sam Cox and Darren Compton nicked his towel and took a picture of them doing a double chainsaw on it – basically them completing naked with his towel between their crotches! They then texted the picture to him while he was having lunch. He wasn’t best pleased, he padlocks his bag now!
Q. What’s your favourite joke?
A. [he mulls it over] Hmmm, no can’t tell that one… Erm, why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they’re ugly and smell! No, don’t use that one! I don’t know…
Q. You’ve got one day to live, what do you do?
A. Something special, climb Mount Everest.
Q. How about that tour tale?
A. An image sticks in the mind of Geraint Lewis at the Bayonne festival during pre-season. He’d lost his shirt and flip-flops and replaced them with a Basque flag being worn as a cape and two emptied litre bottles of water stamped down and tied to his feet as shoes!