No.2 The Club House
When your national team is in crisis, the club you support is playing the kind of rugby that just makes you wonder why the game went pro in the first place and the future, on the rugby front at least, is looking a bit grim – where do you go to address the issues and put the world to rights? The clubhouse. God bless the clubhouse, it really is the Cheers of the sporting world – because no other sport has clubhouses like rugby. Cricket has pavilions, swimming has a vending machine and football has oranges at half-time, whereas rugby has a whole building dedicated to the social side of the sport.
Admittedly, not every club has one, but if it doesn’t have one then it aspires to have one and if a group of rugby blokes aspire to something, then they will certainly get it!
Football may be able to pack out Hackney Marshes week-in, week-out, but where do they all go afterwards? To a sticky-floored local? To the local kebab shop? Home? Perhaps all three and in that order too. Either way, if there’s one thing that makes the rugby/football swingers swing in the direction of the oval ball, then it’s the clubhouse. Not content with changing in a tin shed, using portaloos, before heading back to a pub 20 miles away for a ham sandwich and a pint of lukewarm lager, footballers are often dazzled by the clubhouse. In the clubhouse, not only are the training rooms often adjoining, but they serve cold lager (for the football converts) and a variety of proper beers too. Food is served after a match which can comprise anything from chilli (usually) to pasta (usually with the chilli) to chips (occasionally added to carb-load proper rugby players). What’s more they’ve got seats to stand on when you have to down a pint for doing something either very good or very bad. And, you’re allowed to decorate the club with anything you like as long as it’s got ‘RFC’ somewhere on it. So, got a puke-coloured tie you can’t even give away to charity shop? No problem, just scribble Jersey Tour 1987 on it and the clubhouse will happily put it on the wall. Need somewhere for your collection of club pendants to be displayed? Bring them along to your clubhouse and they will save money on decorating by covering every spare bit of wallpaper with them. It really is the place where rugby memorabilia (i.e. tat) has a home and can live happily ever after.
Even when you manage to get a clubhouse (if you haven’t got one that is), there’s no need to buy a jukebox because the clubhouse is home to the world’s finest singers and every Saturday after a game they can be found singing their favourite tunes. All the classics are performed and, best of all, the same songs are sung right across the rugby-playing world. So even if you’re new to an area you’ll still know at 80 per cent of the words.
And, to reiterate the whole Cheers thing, everybody really does know your name. Again, displaying the bond of rugby clubs enjoyed the world over, those names are the same too. There’s always a Tank, a Smithy, a Jock and probably a Paddy too. So just head into the clubhouse, grab a pint of the good stuff, say one of the above names and you’re bound to find a mate for life – whether you want one or not.
So, here’s to the clubhouse, up on your chair please and, all together now: ‘down in one you Zulu Warrior, down in one you Zulu Chief, Chief, Chief...'
