No.2 Naked Rugby
This issue split the rucked.com team, firstly because it was questionable if it was really a good thing that our macho sport had a version that didn’t require the use of clothing. Secondly, there was the question about it even being in existence.
As we’re bothering to pen this column, you have to trust us that the answer to the latter query is indeed affirmative. Because even rucked.com has been asked to participate in a game of naked rugby. Being the professional journalists we are, we politely made our excuses and left. Well, at least as far as finding a spot where we could see the action unfold without being seen. Some might say ‘Peeping Tom’, we say ‘in the name of investigative journalism’. Others probably say ‘and the difference between the two is?’ Either way, naked rugby is alive and well and played at various festivals across Blighty. Usually at events involving men and women’s teams and huge, gargantuan, prop-sized volumes of alcohol, the rules appear to be bear a passing resemblance to the fully-clothed version only with a lot more on-the-spot rule-making. Obvious questions probably arise at this point – i.e. what happens with scrums? is it men v women? What do you grip onto in a lineout? Or, if you don’t get out much and rugby has clearly taken over your whole existence, which defence is used blitz or cover?
Well, to answer all four questions: you avoid being near a prop at all costs; generally mixed; whatever you can; who cares!
Now there’s probably a woman out there who doesn’t think that naked rugby is such a good idea. At least not after a recent incident at a popular sevens’ festival which saw said lady tackled in her birthday suit with the end result being a broken leg and, one imagines, a lifetime of stick from her team-mates and arguably one of the best excuses ever for missing work. Ah, to be a fly on the wall when explaining that one to her boss.
Whether naked rugby will take off as a national sport we can’t possibly fathom, although Channel Five were rumoured to be interested in the rights… That said, with naked rugby calendars still filling stockings on an annual basis – despite having been done to death and made thoroughly unfashionable thanks to the Calendar Girls – there’s always a chance. If only the IRB would see sense. We’ve already got tag, touch, sevens and fifteens, why not naked rugby? It would certainly encourage players to tackle low and it would definitely get good viewing numbers – the rugby pitches of the world would be surrounded by men in anoraks with hands firmly entrenched deep in pockets. What’s more, it would help kit managers everywhere – imagine not having to get those nasty grass stains out of the white rugby shirts? Which leads to another flaw in the game. Were it to become affiliated with the IRB, some kind of ‘kit’ system would need to be introduced. Perhaps body paint? Or would that wash off?
There’s also the whole question of why on earth anyone would anyone want to play rugby naked? And to that, we have no answer. Nobody in their right mind would ever want to see what lies beneath the clothing of most forwards, but there must be something in it. Maybe, it’s for shy men who struggle to talk to women and find smashing them to the ground a good way to get introduced? Kind of caveman-like. Or vice versa perhaps? Hmmm, either way, it’s a question that the shy, retiring, coy and oh-so-manly rucked.com team can’t answer. If anyone out there can however, please be our guest…